Critics

What Schills. I just read this review by a critic in SLUG magazine. I don’t want to be telling tales out of school, but word on the street is that a wad of money, a 7 lb. bag of gummy bears and an 8 lb. bag of booger sugar delivered with the album might have influenced this review. I’ve listened to this band and I’d rather have my teeth pulled out through my ears than hear them ever again. Now do yourselves a favor and march on down to your local Media Play and get yourselves a tape cassette of a real album like, “the Funky Headhunter” by Hammer or, “Cyberpunk” by Billy Idol or, Van Halen 3 when the true singer from Extreme took them to the true promised land. Anyway, this is what this Schill said:

https://www.slugmag.com/local-music-reviews/the-swinging-lights-trouble-with-the-truth/?fbclid=IwAR2Xi6Z98hig2SKsxC9ClAD3bMqbQra5_AX6uq2yVrnF5wUJ6lwHqX7EA0c

The Grammbys!

As a band of music players hoping to one day be considered real musicians or at least video stars, we are all very excited about the Grammbys coming up this Sunday.   I am particularly interested in categories such as “best of the music,”  “New best at the music musician,” “pretty good music video”  and “best outfits.”  

I have been keeping a particularly close eye (and ear) on musicians like Smarmynards John, Half Naked Lady, Full Naked Lady, Trap Rap Mcgee and DoucheTattoo VonF##kFace.   I wish they could all win, but alas, there are only 27835621 categories.

Oh wait.   Grammbys were last Sunday.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeit.

I’ll watch one of these years.

Why Maroon 5 is Oker with me than Coldplay.

Hot take. Bouts to spit fire.

When I watch bands play major live events, I risk giving myself aneurisms.   Why?   I am glad I wrote “Why?” so I can answer that and make a blog out of it.  It’s a good question.   (Whenever I hear an interviewee say that’s a good question, I only think they just don’t have a ready-made answer for the question and need a second.  I believe on average it was a bad question when “that’s a good question” is farted out….different aneurism for a different day)

I’m going to list three stadium bands that are ok with me and three stadium bands that are not.   This Ok list isn't a judging of the songs of the bands. I’m talking about something else here:

OK       Prince,   The Who,      U2

Not Ok       Coldplay, Imagine Dragons,         Muse

Now if I were to rearrange these into bands whose songs I like versus bands I’m not crazy about, I would swap Muse and U2.    Why is U2 ok by me and Muse is not when I like Muse songs better than U2 songs?   Another good question by me. (yes, bleh to U2 cept Joshua Tree and Achtung Baby)

Well, let me answer me.

You see, me, the people on stage, and what the people on stage are doing in the “OK bands,” makes sense with the sounds that are coming out.   THAT’S IT.  What players play and what sound is made,  ACTUALLY LINES UP…..No aneurism risk. Yes even The Edge’s one note at a time delay in a delay in a delay, makes sense that it is just him playing.

Watch Coldplay, and Imagine Dragons play music and listen to all the sound that you hear.  Then just take a look at the one pimple-faced guitarist on stage who rarely uses more than his pointer finger yet doesn’t sound like The Edge.  Then try to understand how that finger is making more sound than the 8 guitarists Monsoon 5 had on stage at the Duperbowl.  So, the one guy (both in Coldplay and Imagine Dragons you can see that single guy isn’t even any sort of guitarist worth mentioning) on stage along with a bassist and a drummer doing all they can do, makes ten times the music of the ten guys on stage playing for Macaroon 5.  Don’t mistake what The Who are doing. Those weenies aren’t doing what Townsend is doing, and they are still putting out more sound…..supposedly. NO!  BAD BAND..  That’s a BAD BAND!   Not to mention when they sing in harmony, the drummer singing into the mic turns into an entire Baptist choir.

Now, I don’t include Bellamy from Muse exactly in that guitarist critique, because he wails on guitar.  HOWEVER, he isn’t making all that music and his bassist isn’t magically pooping it all out either.   Bring the damn DJ on stage Muse or stay your boney arses on the Not OK list.

Like em or not, what Marc Maron 5 did on Sunday, live or not in that moment, could have been live.  No aneurism for me.  Curtain tank top, over-tattooed twink singer with high-pitched love songs and whitey dance moves with a boney strip show…..all more ok than not being (or at least potentially being) real.   When the Coldplay banana was noodle dancing around on the stage during the dumperbowl, if all the sound had cut, the sound the band would have been making would be a serious joke.   I would use one of my three genie wishes if I had one to make all of  Coldpay’s performances up to this day be stripped of the backing tracks just to hear what that would actually sound like.

If bands just make the DJ, digital whatever guy, part of the band and bring them on the stage, it would suffice.

Honorable mention of “not okness” for Imagine Dragons for having suck songs too.  That’s just my objective truth errrr opinion.

Plus Moron 5 avoided politics at the Stuper Bowl.  Just like this Blerg will never be politics, that’s an A+ for me.  I vote for Monson 5 anytime for the tearjerkingly boring dooperbowl.   Just bring them back every year. (Only because Prince is dead, BEST SUPERBOWL PERFORMANCE EVER)

This Blog was the opinion of everyone in the Band but Chris.  If you wanna fight anyone, fight them. Chris had an aneurism from the Colplay Superbowl.

THE SWINGING LIGHTS BLOG POST #1

The thoughts and idiocies spouted by the writer of this blog are the poorly reasoned opinions of its writer only and not the opinions of the collective known as The Swinging Lights.   I will start with that preamble only because in these completely rational times of advanced advancedness, it turns out that it may be impossible not to offend.  This blog seeks only to……..well I dunno…….but not offend.  If it were my own blog, I’d be trying to poke all your axioms in the kidneys, but only because I like to do that to my own axioms.   

I promised not to use the word axiom in the first paragraph of the blog and failed.

This blog, nevertheless, is simply intended to keep contact and update the doings of the entity known as The Swinging Lights and to contribute to the end goal of taking over all areas of the world except for the state of Utah.   We’ve tried there for a really long time and I have a theory that it is likely the only place we can’t take over, but certainly anywhere else would be easy, we just chose the hardest place first. Silly us. 

Nevertheless,  Never the less.  Always the more?  Sometimes the less?   What a stupid word. I don’t like the word “Nevertheless” anymore. I ban it from future use on this blog.

Anyway, this band does not affiliate with a political party until that becomes nationally mandatory.

Band Lineup:  As of today, Januaryish, 2019, The Swinging Lights consists of 5 Utah born Utahns who met in Utah.  We are known to play around Utah and are expanding our efforts to fully service other parts of Utah:

Justin Carrell, a mountain monkey with ADHD on Bass, 

Wayne Broderickberg, airplane man, band dad, responsible adult yet drummer boy, 

Brad Barlow, formerly not a member of the Swinging Lights until he then suddenly was on piano and voice sounds,

Herc of the Avenues, band announcer, lawyer and guitar ringer, 

and Chris Hanna, 32nd degree mason.

The band has recently completed an album and a release shindig (Yiddish for mandatory statewide meeting) that is now on a hipster disc that you can’t use unless you have the right equipment.  It’s one of those Dinosaurs that you put the beak on the stone and I woulda wanted it on a CD but I don’t have a CD player anymore.  I don’t know when that happened.  CD players just sort of slipped out of my life like most women do.

Much more to say, but I’m gonna try to do this every day.